Life As Nick Starr

This past week has been crazy and chaotic. Tuesday was my 27th birthday, Friday was my brother’s wedding, and on Monday (hopefully) I am driving the 3,000 miles to California to move.

I’ve had a storage unit with a lot of my stuff including some big couches, bed, etc for some time now. We got most of the small items out over the last month or so, and some of the large stuff out the other day. With the wedding though there has been no time with the truck to get everything out.

The truck is now down in south Florida with my brother as he is on his honeymoon. The storage unit was supposed to be cleared out by today, the last day of the lease. There is still 2 couches, a bed and bench/coat rack in there. I don’t know anyone else who has a truck that can help me get it out. My brother’s friend was supposed to help today and he was going to keep the couches, but he has been MIA most of the day.

On top of all of this, my check engine light came on today. I believe that the guy who pumped my gas didn’t put the cap on, thus causing the light to come on, but I am going to see about heading out to the dealership on Monday early to double check.

It’s been quite the stressful week. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the 51″ Sony HDTV that I paid over $1,600 for a few years ago has gotten ZERO feedback when I’ve listed it on Craigslist twice. I am going to see if I can get a pawn shop locally to give me a few hundred for it.

UGGGGGG! I can’t wait till all of this madness is over, the tv is gone, the stuff in storage is gone, and I am on my way to California.

A few weeks ago I was feeling depressed and alone. I had been working about 80 miles away from where I normally live and there wasn’t anything to do there. I didn’t know anyone in the area, and driving home to see the few friends I do have locally was costly on gas. I went out one night and started having a few drinks alone. This fueled my feelings of loneliness and depression (something that I have suffered with almost all of my life). I got to the point that night where I felt that ending my life would make things better for me.

My thoughts spilled out onto the micro-blog Twitter, which I have been posting to for some time now. I began playing out the thoughts that were going thru my head and the method of my suicide on Twitter. As I left and started driving, I parked and gazed upon the very bridge which I planned my demise.

Fortunately, I fell asleep shortly thereafter and woke up the next morning feeling better, but still not happy. I found out the next day that my actions posted on Twitter had caused many people to become concerned for my safety. I spoke with my friends Dawn and Drew that next day about what happened the night prior. It felt good to have someone to be able to speak to about the issues that were spinning thru my head.

I decided to seek professional help in order to have someone to speak with about these issues. I have been out of communication with almost everyone online over the past few weeks, and I apologize for publishing this update for those who still weren’t aware of my current state.

I want to apologize to everyone for my actions. I never meant to cause such pain and worry to so many individuals. Depression and suicide are often very selfish actions where one isn’t aware of anyone else’s worry except their own. The sense that there is nothing worth living for is not something I feel now, but there have been dark times which I felt this was the only option. I want to let everyone know that I am on the road to becoming mentally healthy.

This all being said, I am slowly working on building upon the relationships that I have and working on myself to become a stronger person for when dark times arrive. Thank you again to everyone who sent me emails and messages, I am just now finishing reading all of them. It is encouraging to see that there are so many people who care. Thank you again for your support and I hope you will see great things and progress in the weeks and months to come.

Again, I want to say that I am truly sorry to anyone who I hurt or scarred in the past few weeks.

Thank you,

Nicholas R. Starr Schuler

No this isn’t talking about my move to the west coast, but rather a move of where I’m staying down here in Sarasota. Last night I was awoken by a police officer around midnight asking me what I was doing. I explained that I had “worked late” and “didn’t have the energy to drive home.” He said there was nothing wrong with me being there, it just isn’t an area that I might want to be spending the entire night. He got my information for a general report, and went on his way.

Needless to say I was quite relieved, but now obviously I need a new spot to stay. This is the first time I’ve been caught sleeping in my car.

Speaking of which, it has now been 11 months since I started this little “adventure.” I’m a bit shocked that I’ve made it this long. Got a lot of work today, but I will be sure to write more in the next day or two…stay tuned.