Life As Nick Starr

A few weeks ago I was feeling depressed and alone. I had been working about 80 miles away from where I normally live and there wasn’t anything to do there. I didn’t know anyone in the area, and driving home to see the few friends I do have locally was costly on gas. I went out one night and started having a few drinks alone. This fueled my feelings of loneliness and depression (something that I have suffered with almost all of my life). I got to the point that night where I felt that ending my life would make things better for me.

My thoughts spilled out onto the micro-blog Twitter, which I have been posting to for some time now. I began playing out the thoughts that were going thru my head and the method of my suicide on Twitter. As I left and started driving, I parked and gazed upon the very bridge which I planned my demise.

Fortunately, I fell asleep shortly thereafter and woke up the next morning feeling better, but still not happy. I found out the next day that my actions posted on Twitter had caused many people to become concerned for my safety. I spoke with my friends Dawn and Drew that next day about what happened the night prior. It felt good to have someone to be able to speak to about the issues that were spinning thru my head.

I decided to seek professional help in order to have someone to speak with about these issues. I have been out of communication with almost everyone online over the past few weeks, and I apologize for publishing this update for those who still weren’t aware of my current state.

I want to apologize to everyone for my actions. I never meant to cause such pain and worry to so many individuals. Depression and suicide are often very selfish actions where one isn’t aware of anyone else’s worry except their own. The sense that there is nothing worth living for is not something I feel now, but there have been dark times which I felt this was the only option. I want to let everyone know that I am on the road to becoming mentally healthy.

This all being said, I am slowly working on building upon the relationships that I have and working on myself to become a stronger person for when dark times arrive. Thank you again to everyone who sent me emails and messages, I am just now finishing reading all of them. It is encouraging to see that there are so many people who care. Thank you again for your support and I hope you will see great things and progress in the weeks and months to come.

Again, I want to say that I am truly sorry to anyone who I hurt or scarred in the past few weeks.

Thank you,

Nicholas R. Starr Schuler

No this isn’t talking about my move to the west coast, but rather a move of where I’m staying down here in Sarasota. Last night I was awoken by a police officer around midnight asking me what I was doing. I explained that I had “worked late” and “didn’t have the energy to drive home.” He said there was nothing wrong with me being there, it just isn’t an area that I might want to be spending the entire night. He got my information for a general report, and went on his way.

Needless to say I was quite relieved, but now obviously I need a new spot to stay. This is the first time I’ve been caught sleeping in my car.

Speaking of which, it has now been 11 months since I started this little “adventure.” I’m a bit shocked that I’ve made it this long. Got a lot of work today, but I will be sure to write more in the next day or two…stay tuned.

Well it’s been one week since I got my walking papers at my last job. I’ve still been blogging over at Boy Genius Report, but this week has found me distracted quite a bit. I’ve gone to a few employment services, and been all over Monster.com. I decided to sell a few things, my Nintendo Wii (sold for $405), and Microsoft Zune (sold for $159). That’s a pretty okay week in terms of money, but I don’t have enough items to sell and live off of forever.

I’ve become to appreciate my MacBook Pro more this week, as I’ve spent a large portion of my time on it this week. I don’t see myself selling it for the extra money to downgrade to the MacBook. I also didn’t want to sell my Bose Quiet Comfort 3 headphones unless necessary, because they really help in filtering out all of the noise inside of coffee shops that I’ve been spending most of my time on (using their WiFi).

Well, after a week I do have good news. I start a 6 week contract position in Clearwater at almost my same pay from my last job. That should give me plenty of time to save up, have a yard sale of all of my items in storage, and sell my TV on Craigslist. Once I finish the position I have the intention of moving to California. If a job in California comes up in the meantime that is too good to pass up, I can give a 2 day notice (their words not mine) and all will be okay in terms of the agency I got the position though here in Florida.

So that’s been my week. I’ve been pretty blessed to not ever go that long without a job, and I am grateful that I was able to pick up this position so quickly. I start on Wednesday, so this weekend is a bit of a vacation for me. Thanks to everyone’s encouragement in the past week. When I do finalize my plans to move to California, I will be sure to chronicle my trip in detail.

Until later….